So, I drive for Lyft almost full-time, which for those that don’t know, is a company similar to Uber but smaller and *cough* better *cough*. It’s a pretty sweet gig most of the time and after doing it for almost 2 and a half years, I don’t have many complaints. That doesn’t mean that driving strangers around doesn’t come with its own set of um, let’s call them interesting, experiences.
For instance, there was the time I had to drive a guy to meet his probation officer. Totally normal, right? Except that during that ride, the guy proceeded to tell me that he’d done meth before getting in the car, his brother in law was head of the KKK chapter in Indiana, and he’d kill a guy twice. The same guy. Twice.
Another guy spent the entire 15 minute ride from the airport to his hotel mansplaining how Lyft and Uber worked to me, a veteran driver of, at the time, both companies. I think my eyes almost popped out of my head from the control I had to exert to keep from rolling them the entire time.
There was also the time I almost ran over Jesus, who in my defense, was carrying his cross in the middle of the road. You would think he’d know better, but apparently his disciples didn’t feel the need to tell him how traffic worked. Okay, it was some kind of demonstration thing happening over Easter and I’m not religious, but regardless, running over Jesus has got to be bad karma.
I just realized that all of these stories are about guys. I feel like that’s not a coincidence, but to be fair, I’m sure I can dig up at least one time a female passenger did something crazy….
Okay seriously, I can’t think of any other than the story below. Or the time I almost hit Jesus. Most of the time, in my experience, the girls either don’t talk at all, ramble on about their family or current work problems, or they’re so excited to have a female driver that we just chat about whatever comes up the whole time.
Anyways, that just leaves my favorite story of all time….
It started out pretty normal when I went to pick up a group of people from a wedding in downtown Indy. Their hotel was only about 10 minutes away so it should have been an easy ride. Except that one of the girls in the group was so drunk that she wouldn’t stop making this weird keening sound like some kind of wounded coyote. I’m pretty used to driving drunk people so I just tuned her out. However, about halfway through the ride, the guy sitting next to me swung around in his seat to face the girl.
“I’ve had enough of this shit! We’re gonna exorcise this bitch!” (I’m not even kidding, I couldn’t make this stuff up.)
He then proceeded to pull a Bible out of the bag he was carrying and flip through it, looking for the appropriate page. (The fact that he had a Bible with him implies this was premeditated, right?)
The other two friends in the group didn’t say anything as the guy undid his seat belt, turned all the way around, and started reading a passage from the good book. It did nothing to stop the girls whining.
Luckily by that time, I’d pulled in front of their hotel.
“You want to come up and help us finish this exorcism?” The guy asked me, totally straight faced.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider it. I mean, who isn’t a little morbidly curious about watching an amateur exorcism of a drunk girl who, as far as I knew, had previously been showing signs of possession. But alas, I mumbled something about having to get back to work.
The guy nodded, shut the door, and then helped his friends carry the allegedly-possessed girl out of my backseat.
I still semi regret not watching how that played out in their room afterwards….