Dear Straight Men,

We need to talk.

Why is it that when I say “I’m a lesbian,” you guys hear it as a challenge, rather than a fact? My preferring women doesn’t take away your chances of getting with straight or bi women. It doesn’t magically take away points on your Scale of Manliness. It’s a statement of my identity, or a reason as to why I would not like your number, or a point that comes up in conversation. It’s a part of who I am, a part of my identity, and yet straight men treat it as if it’s negotiable or as if I’m too stupid to possibly know what I like.

Well, I’ve had enough. I’m tired of having the same arguments over and over again with men.
So, since apparently it hasn’t been made clear to you guys, here are a few things that the statement, “I am a lesbian,” does not mean:

  1. It doesn’t mean that we are buddies, that I am one of you, and that I am now going to objectify women with you. See, I actually respect women…crazy, I know.
  2. It doesn’t mean that you can ask me if I’ve ever been with a man, why I did or didn’t like it, and if I’d ever consider trying it again, just in case that guy wasn’t “doing it right.”
  3. It does not mean that you can ask me if I use strap ons or how lesbians have sex.
  4. It is never an invitation for you to watch or join my girlfriend and I in bed. We’re lesbians because we DON’T WANT a man there.
  5. It does not give you permission to begin explaining, often in graphic detail, how you can perform better sexually than any woman. Seriously, stop. It’s sad.
  6. It does not mean that you can grab me, or touch me without my permission, or try to show me “what I’m missing.” There isn’t a lesson that needs to be taught to lesbians or a problem that needs to be fixed.
  7. It doesn’t mean that when I date a butch woman, you can make comments about how I “might as well be dating a man.” I’m sorry that you feel the need to adhere to gender roles and appearance stereotypes, but I don’t.
  8. It doesn’t mean I’ll agree with you when you say that lesbians are hot but gay men are disgusting. They are a part of my community, we are equal….even if your own innate homophobia won’t let you see that.
  9. It doesn’t mean I haven’t found the right guy, or that you get to then tell me all of the ways in which you are that guy.
  10. It doesn’t mean I’m telling you that because I’m secretly hoping you’ll ask me out, sweep me off my feet, and save me from what is clearly, in your mind, a life of loneliness and unfulfilling sexual experiences.

You are not better than a woman in bed, simply because you are a man. My sexuality is not negotiable, it is not a challenge for you to take on and conquer. I am a person, and this is my identity. Why, in your mind, does validating that or simply accepting it, hurt your fragile ego so damn much? We just want to exist without being harassed or constantly having to defend who we are because you refuse to hear it for what it is.

2 thoughts on “Dear Straight Men,

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