Choices

I had three choices when I woke up this morning. I could not write at all. I could write something fluffy and pretend to feel better than I do today. Or..I could tell the truth. 
In most cases in my life, I prefer the truth above all else, no matter how awful. But that doesn’t mean that anyone else cares about MY truth, especially when it’s steeped in depression. My first instinct this morning was to keep it to myself. Except, that’s what I’ve been doing, for years, and it isn’t working. So maybe being open about it will help, at the very least, be different than keeping it in. 

The truth is, today is hard. Despite some crazy, but interesting and almost fun, dreams, I woke up in a dark place. Anxiety about moving ruminated in my mind and a depression settled over me so heavily, I didn’t want to move. 

My first thought was, i don’t want to move to TX. Not because I don’t want to live there, I do, but because I’m going to have to have roommates, which will require me to interact with people and be around them a million times more than I do now. While I know in my head that this is actually a good thing, something I need, I wasn’t feeling it this morning. 

Now some people might be concerned at those thoughts. “Are you having second thoughts on moving?” “Are you going to stay?” “Are you afraid it’s not really want you want?” No. To all 3, no. And here’s why….

I know myself well enough by now to, usually, know when it’s the depression talking. And that was confirmed when I realized that my thought process this morning wasn’t just “I don’t want to move apts,” it was also “I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or live anywhere or talk to anyone.” So yeah, bit of a red flag. 

For awhile I was starting to feel better and a lot of the time I still do, but every once in awhile the lingering black cloud will make an appearance and I’ll find myself going through the motions of a normal human. 

So, I dunno what I hope to accomplish with this, other than to pull back the veil a little and be more open about what’s really going on, be it for myself or for others who might feel similarly. I’m not going to give up, no matter how awful it feels today, but instead will try to counteract the sad by listening to comedy or getting lost in a book. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. 

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