Apparently Valentine’s Day isn’t too far away, at least according to the seasonal candy aisle at my local grocery store, but I am happy to be spending this one alone. I’ve been single for awhile, mostly by choice, because what’s the point in starting up a potential relationship when you’re planning to move (ALONE) 1,000 miles away. Even if I had met a girl, I have no interest in dragging someone else along with me to TX when it’s something I know I need, and want, to do alone.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t have the occasional crush, and one in particular has stuck around for a few years now…
There’s this writer/personality/awesome person whom we’ll call Dawn for anonymity’s sake (and to save me some embarrassment if hell ever freezes over and she reads this). So, this Dawn and I have a lot in common; we’re both writers, we’re both adorable, we’re both outspoken about mental health, and care about women’s issues, etc. We’ve met in person briefly but I’ve also talked one on one with her several times online and through email.
I wasn’t quite sure what to do next or how to even tell her that I’d like to get to know her better, because I didn’t want to come off as creepy or weird, but I’m super awkward so I can’t guarantee that still didn’t happen despite my best efforts. So, I went my usual route and just told the truth (well, not about the crush part). I asked if I could get to know her better and was semi-rejected. She said we could be online friends. So I guess, not a no in many ways, but also yes a very firm no.
Which I totally get, we live in different parts of the country, even though our paths cross often, and from the outside I probably just seem like a weird awkward fan of some sort. So, it is what is. But now I don’t know what to do. I feel weird interacting with her online. Also, I can’t help but feel like if maybe I were more on her level career-wise, she might have given me more of a chance at us getting to know each other, even as just friends – which is totally fine. I’m aware that I’m a nobody right now with big dreams and a life in transition, but that won’t always be the case.
So, here’s to hoping. Here’s to continuing to respect her and her work and hoping that maybe one day, when we’re more evenly matched, our paths will cross again and she’ll see me, instead of seeing through me.