This week it has come to my attention that I’m bad at making decisions. Like, I’m terrible at it. Not the tiny, stupid decisions, like where to eat or what to do that day, I’m a pro at those. Plus it annoys me to no end when people can’t figure out a place to eat. It really shouldn’t be that hard for at least one person to suggest something or for both people to just say what they really want!
But I digress. It turns out that I don’t trust my own thoughts or decision making process anymore. Maybe I made too many mistakes in the past or did too many things I regretted or didn’t do enough things and missed out on something, I’m not sure. What I do know is that now I’m constantly scared of making a mistake.
What if my mind changes?
What if I hurt someone?
What if this wasn’t a good idea?
What if I think it’s a bad idea now and it turns out to be a good one and I messed it up by going backwards and blahhhhhhh….
If there are multiple paths to happiness, if you can make yourself a good, happy life, that you enjoy in so many different places and times, how do you ever choose which one is right? How can fate even exist if there are so many choices and directions that nothing makes sense?
What if I become so paralyzed by this fear that I stop living and stop taking risks altogether?
I guess that last question is the most important. There might be a hundred different directions I could go, and I might be scared by the idea of messing up and taking a wrong step, but as long as I don’t become so afraid that I stop living and growing, maybe I’m doing it right after all.