Yeah, I’m Just Bad at it.

This week it has come to my attention that I’m bad at making decisions. Like, I’m terrible at it. Not the tiny, stupid decisions, like where to eat or what to do that day, I’m a pro at those. Plus it annoys me to no end when people can’t figure out a place to eat. It really shouldn’t be that hard for at least one person to suggest something or for both people to just say what they really want!

But I digress. It turns out that I don’t trust my own thoughts or decision making process anymore. Maybe I made too many mistakes in the past or did too many things I regretted or didn’t do enough things and missed out on something, I’m not sure. What I do know is that now I’m constantly scared of making a mistake.

What if my mind changes?
What if I hurt someone?
What if this wasn’t a good idea?
What if I think it’s a bad idea now and it turns out to be a good one and I messed it up by going backwards and blahhhhhhh….

tHPhPWG

If there are multiple paths to happiness, if you can make yourself a good, happy life, that you enjoy in so many different places and times, how do you ever choose which one is right? How can fate even exist if there are so many choices and directions that nothing makes sense?

What if I become so paralyzed by this fear that I stop living and stop taking risks altogether?

I guess that last question is the most important. There might be a hundred different directions I could go, and I might be scared by the idea of messing up and taking a wrong step, but as long as I don’t become so afraid that I stop living and growing, maybe I’m doing it right after all.

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I’m giving myself bonus fake internet points for sneaking a gif of Angelina in here ❤

Shit now I actually have to figure out my life. 

Pic found at We Heart It ( I do not own this image)

So there are a couple of things I’ve learned this week or am in the process of learning…

1. Drivers in Austin are dicks. Seriously, the worst. 

2. It is the weirdest feeling to me to live in a place where people voluntarily go to visit. Like on vacation and stuff. They come here. On purpose. I run into tourists constantly, especially while driving for Lyft and it still boggles my mind. No one goes to Indiana for vacation. They go to visit family or for a job or some other random reason. Other than that, no one is planning their dream vacation and saving their money to go to Indiana. So that’s definitely an adjustment. 

3. Now that filming has finished up, I’m back to a “normal” type of schedule. Except I’m in a new city and have yet to actually establish a standard for normal. So that’s the biggest thing I’ve been learning, how to meet new people, deciding where I want to work and what schedule would be best, which meet ups I’d like to join, etc. I’m basically figuring out how to build a life from scratch, which is both intimidating and really exciting. I have the freedom right now to form a life that I actually enjoy and it’s an opportunity a lot of people don’t get in their lives. So, I’m trying to take advantage of it and make myself proud.

Switching it up

Well, I’m here. In Texas. Have been for about a month now, and it’s been a roller coaster of emotions for sure, but so far, no regrets. Still, it’s a little too close for me to have fully processed and be able to write about in depth yet.
So…in the meantime, I’ve decided on a new kind of layout for this blog. I think instead of just random shit, I’m going to be posting more frequently with “What I’ve Learned” stuff, either with whatever random shit came up that day or that week. Sounds kinda cheesy off hand, but I think I can make it work for me.

So, on that note, here is today’s…

Yesterday I went back to my job delivery pizza after working for a full week on a friend’s movie. I’ve been pretty over this particular pizza job for awhile now but I was NOT prepared for what I felt when I walked through the door yesterday evening. It’s a particularly evil kind of soul crushing atmosphere, the kind where a malicious elephant waits at the door of the establishment to jump up and down on your soul until it is crushed into oblivion and you start to forget your name and shit. It’s awful. Add to that the fact that, despite my having earned a college degree, everyone is treated there and talked to as if they are dumber than a Spongebob character. Despite the fact that I’ve worked there for almost 3 years and therefore, have a reasonable handle on how to do the easiest job in the world, I was bombarded yesterday with waves of condescension. All the joy I’d felt for the past week at doing something new and challenging evaporated when I had to go back to my “real life.”
And that’s when I realized that I put myself there, and that I could get myself out. I can’t control other people and the way they act or treat others, but I can control the environment in which I put myself in. I didn’t move 1,000 miles from home just to do the same fucking job and feel the same fucking way. I moved to grow and challenge myself, and the next step in doing that is getting the fuck out of this job.
So I quit. I walked away, and already I feel a thousand times lighter, as if that soul crushing elephant is nothing more than a pesky fly.

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I’m fortunate enough to have a backup means of income, so I plan on doing that while I focus on my writing (including this blog), finding a job I don’t hate, and meeting new people.
Wish me luck! ❤

Stream of consciousness

Excerpt from my journal: 

Only 8 days left until I leave and the closer it gets the more I feel like I’m on the right path. Like I’m finally, finally moving in the right direction again. I want to take advantage of this new city, dance in the lights and explore the hills and meet strangers. And write. I want to write like I’ve never committed to writing before. I want to let myself burst out of my box and actually work for the life that I want. I crawled, on hands and knees to this decision, to make this move happen. With my last breath I reached for the edge, to the surface, and the fresh air is so close I can almost taste it. And I want it. No, I need it. This doesn’t even feel like a choice anymore. It feels like the next step in my evolution, a compulsion. It’s a survival instinct built in to ensure that I don’t stop growing, that I don’t keep myself locked in this tiny box of a life that will inevitably suffocate me and snuff out any light I had inside. I have a chance to make the first of many dreams come true and for the first time in so so long, they seem within reach again. So much is waiting for me. And I met someone, maybe someone great, but right now she lives in my phone. A phantom I can’t see or touch, just out of reach, until I make this jump. This jump across the border that I’m literally aching for. The more it sinks in that I’m leaving soon, the more I’m brought to tears of relief and excitement, and joy. I can’t wait to see what’s waiting for me. 

Cat Naps

All right people, it’s taken 10 years of intensive research and study, but I believe I have discovered the secrets to successfully sharing a bed with a cat (this could also probably apply to dogs, but I have more experience with cats so this is what the focus is).

  1. Claim blankets early.
    It is important to secure the amount of bed coverings you will need to get through the night early on. This can be done by laying down, pulling up the covers as high as you want, and then getting comfortable. This way, even if you plan to stay up and read, the covers you need will be bunched up around you to be used later, while your pet picks a spot on the blanket that you won’t need to get through the night.
  2. Claim leg space early.
    This sometimes means sacrificing immediate comfort. I like to read before I go to sleep and usually do so with my legs curled under me. However, when I sleep, I stretch out, or try to. Usually by that point my cat has made himself comfortable in a place that prevents me from moving at all. So, I recommend watching tv or reading with your legs out in a position that mimics your preferred sleeping pose. This way, when you do decide to relax, you will not have to move or disturb your adorable sleeping butthead/angel.
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In this instance, I did not establish leg space and Toast made himself comfortable, making it impossible for me to move from this position.
  1. Be careful.
    A lot of people have this imagine in mind that their pet is going to sleep cozily at the end of their bed, for the whole night, and everyone will be comfortable. In my experience, this is completely unrealistic. My cat has to be touching me at all times, so I have to be extra careful when I move during the night or wake up screaming from a weird Freddy Kruger dream, not to startle him or accidentally kick him.
  2. Take pictures.
    Screw those people that say you post two many pictures of your pets. THEY’RE ADORABLE, especially when they’re sleeping. So click away and don’t forget to share.
  3. What if your cat gets their first?
    Many of you might be wondering what to do if your pet reaches the bed before you, making themselves comfortable before you can claim leg and blanket space. The answer is nothing. Give up and learn to sleep in a weird, twisted S shape. Or you can do what no one really wants to do and wake up your nugget and make them move out of their super comfy spot and end up feeling like a jackass. Up to you!
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Successful Bed Sharing with Toast. Happy cuddles!

The Girl in the Tower.

I haven’t been able to write for awhile. I mean, I haven’t been able to make myself sit down and write what was going on in my head for a long while. The very act of doing that opens you up to what you’re actually feeling and, in this case, broadcasts it to the world. I wasn’t ready for that because I barely understood what was happening….

but I think I’ve got it figured out. Not solved by any means, it’s going to take awhile to deal with and reprogram my thinking, but I know what it is now, and that makes all the difference.

See, I have kind of a shitty history with…people. I have abandonment issues that have caused me to learn how to control my emotions around others, how to shut myself down and be as cold as I need to be in order to protect myself. It’s a survival tactic, but it isn’t a good one. It’s something that has cost me friends and relationships, something that contributed to my abandonment issues because I didn’t yet realize that, in some cases, I was the reason things were ending as badly as they were.

Couple those issues with the devastating divorce of my parents, a complete loss of support system, and a sexual assault, and you’re left with what seems like, at the time, two choices. I could give up, let it all go, and let the world go on without me, or I could protect myself and make sure none of it ever happened again. I chose the latter.

Brick by brick, I built myself into this Rapunzel like tower, safe from anyone and everyone. I lived alone, I worked alone, I did everything alone. I thought there was a kind of stoic honor in that, in being able to survive without needing anyone else. But no matter how high I built the walls around me, I couldn’t keep my own depression out.

I was barely hanging on, ready to throw myself over the edge of the tower, when I decided that first, I would try moving the structure somewhere else. If I had a different environment, a different view, maybe I would get a second chance at life.

So, I made the plans for the move. Part of which meant that I would have to leave my tower for a little while to stay with my brother in his, occasionally smelly, castle. It was a sacrifice that not only was I willing to make, but one I was hesitant to admit that I really wanted.

As the weeks ticked by, I started to look forward to the times of day when I would see and interact with people I cared about. I wanted to be around them, even though I didn’t trust any of them not to leave at the drop of a hat. I was out of my tower, but still carried its bricks with me, buffering me from everyone I can in contact with. Something was still wrong, and I didn’t know what it was, or why I was still feeling this way.

It was one night, while I was sitting at the canal downtown, that all of this hit me. I was watching everyone walk by in pairs and groups, and feeling sorry for myself for being there alone, when I saw my life for what it was. I saw myself locked in a tower of my own making and I saw that it was killing me. It was then that I realized that having people come in and out of my life, whether they made it better or ripped my heart apart, wasn’t the problem. It was the solution.

I realized that I can’t survive by myself, and that I don’t want to try to anymore. Some people won’t like me for who I am, but others will, and I am just as deserving of friends as anyone else in this world. It is those very experiences that allow us to grow and shape who we are. Staying locked up in a tower, untouched by the world, will only keep you trapped, smothering you until you stop evolving, until you cease to exist.

So here’s to smashing those bricks with a hammer and burning all the rubble. Here’s to throwing my heart out there and seeing what comes back. Here’s to trusting my friends and working every day to be a better friend to them as well. Here’s to learning and growing again.

Here’s to living.

tangled

Pic credit: http://inkmonster.net/blog/tag/scructure

Waiting

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I remembered you,
and the look in your eyes,
and the way things maybe didn’t end so bad.

For days I remember you,
and catch myself thinking of how I let it all go,
dreaming of empty space I wish you would come back to.

I remember but years separate us,
and my fingers slip through time when I reach for you,
grasping nothing but air on the other side.

I remember you and hope floods me,
and I throw caution to the wind,
pleading for something I never really deserved.

My pride aside, I keep remembering,
and I shout at the moon to reach you, talk you,
into maybe remembering me too.

 

pic credit:https://www.redbubble.com/people/patchoulipatch/works/6740414-unrequited-love