I think I decided not to break today…
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the way stories, movies, books, music, etc can make us feel, and I don’t think it’s something I ever want to get used to.
I hope that it never ceases to amaze me when I pick up just the right book, or the perfect song for the moment comes on. For me, to survive, I need there to always be movies that can bring forth emotions and revelations that I’ve been ignoring or pushing down in my day to day life.
Today, for the first time in a long time, because of a movie, I started thinking about the future again. About the possibility of my future and what it can be and what I want it to be. For so long I’ve been living day to day, struggling to get through it all and hoping it passes quickly and painlessly.
But it’s been killing me.
Sure there’s the plan to move to Texas, this Hail Mary jump into the unknown to jumpstart my life after it came to a screeching halt almost 4 years ago. But it never felt real. And even when it started to, I was still so much in the dark that I didn’t think anything could save me, even that, and I didn’t know if I wanted it to.
This dark cloud following me around has been my best friend for longer than I can remember. It’s started to consume me, to put thoughts in my head that I know aren’t coming from me. Not only that, but I’ve been scared of the way our world is changing and how quickly it’s all happening. I’ve been torn between wanting to fight and wanting to hide.
But today I realized that, first and foremost, I want to live.
And not more than 3 seconds after that realization hit me, Sia’s “Reaper” started to play and I started to feel like maybe things are going to get better. Maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel after all.
“You came to take me away
So close I was to heaven’s gates
But, no, baby, no, baby, not today
Oh, you tried to track me down
You followed me like the darkest cloud
So come back when I’m good and old
I got drinks to drink, and men to hold
I got good things to do with my life, yeah
Oh, I wanna dance in the open breeze
Feel the wind in my hair, hear the ocean sing
I got good things to feel in my life,…
Don’t come for me today
I’m feeling good, let me savour it….” -Reaper-Sia